A life changing book

I've just got to recommend any one of these books written by C. Terry Warner and the Arbinger Institute:

Frequently as I have done counseling, I have been able to use the concepts from these books and encourage clients to get these books.  Too often it is true that the only reason we can't solve our relationship problems is because we are deceived: We don't see that we are a huge part of the problem.  The only thing we can change is ourselves.

Each book gets down to the very heart of conflict.  They describe the same concepts, each in a different way.  They make the reader look at him or herself and think about how we can honor our relationships by being true to the call of humanity in all of us.

If you have read one or more of them, tell me which one you read and let me know what you think.  If you haven't read any of them, I strongly encourage you get a copy, digest it, then let me know what you think.

Marriage: The hard, but good way...

I wanted to post this song and found this Youtube video that works well enough.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NvniXDH-2-o

Some couples don't realize that marriage really is hard work.  It was really sad when I saw a couple in counseling where the wife was ready to call it quits after just a few months.  I've seen other couples fight like crazy to make their marriage work.  It's not going to just happen.  You don't just "fall" out of love, or grow apart, unless you have been neglecting to Enrich Your Marriage.  Check out this article by Pres. James E. Faust: 

http://www.lds.org/liahona/2007/04/enriching-your-marriage?lang=eng&query=faust+enrich+your+marriage

Slight change in plans: add more stress

Life has been very crazy lately.  It's been in upheaval... a good upheaval, but stressful nonetheless.  I have decided to take a plunge and leave working for the State of Utah.  Not that working for that State is bad, it just didn't pay what it needs to.  I am super excited to start working in a couple weeks as a full-time mental health therapist for Touchstone Counseling.  I still feel I have a lot to learn.  They specialize in working with Attachment disorders.  The population they serve is largely children in foster care and children who have been adopted.

My business plan is not completely on hold.  Technically, I can take on private practice clients anytime, just not too many.  Launching into private practice full-time is still a few years away.  I won't need to do an LLC until I really branch out more on my own.  Touchstone will be perfect for me to work for and continue to grow professionally.  They have a great business and I feel they are ethical, and they have a great reputation, and they are growing.

To make life even more interesting lately, we had to buy a new car because the Saturn was just having problem after problem.  Yep, we had to bite the bullet.  It was worth it though.  I feel like it is more dependable, and there is still a factory warranty.  Also, we have been very blessed to have a couple families who were cutting out and getting rid of sod from their yards so we were able to get some free sod.  We have about a fourth of the yard with grass now.  And to top it off, we continue our quest to be pseudo farmers by purchasing 6 chicks today.  They are currently pecking, eating, drinking, and chirping away in our laundry room.  What were we thinking?!

Manipulation... or is it?

For those who parent children that have been victims of abuse, neglect, or other form of developmental trauma:


"The child's avoidance and controlling behaviors are survival skills developed under conditions of overwhelming trauma. They will decrease as a sense of safety increases, and while they may need to be addressed, this is not done with anger, withdrawal or love, or shame."
- Daniel Hughes

Nine Words Women Use

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE
Written by a Married Man
(1) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh : This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome;' that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever : Is a woman's way of saying -@*!- YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Adoption Class?

So I was looking at some community classes offered in Davis County, and I got to thinking... Wouldn't it be helpful to teach a class on something relevant to International Adoption?

So many parents are unprepared, especially for the kids adopted from orphanages.  They have wonderful ideas of bringing home a bundle of joy, saving a child from deplorable conditions, adding to their families, teaching and raising up a child, and they have many expectations and hopes and dreams.

All of those things are good, but often a child's environment before being adopted is such that it creates attachment disorders, developmental trauma, and nutritional deficiencies which affect the brain.  Children at times have fetal alcohol disorder.  They may struggle to show affection, or may be so chaotic that they can literally turn a household upside down by recreating the chaos.

Unfortunately I have seen situations in which parents have become so detached and emotionally dysregulated that they have wanted to escape and ultimately come to the point they are willing to give the child up to the State.

I believe that through gaining knowledge and preparation, parents can avoid situations in which they are faced with a lifetime of feeling trapped or the guilt of giving their child up.  It is tragic for the parents and the child; a no-win situation.

Please vote on the above poll and let me know if you or someone you know would be interested in taking a class offered on International Adoption issues.

Husbands...

Have you ever felt torn between work life and home life?  You know in your heart where you'd rather be, but the balancing act can be tough.

Check out this video: Where's My Supersuit?

Wives, any advice for husbands on how they can be successful in their careers but still help you know that you are his number one priority?  What have your husbands done?

If You've Ever Thought of Doing Marriage Counseling...

"Researchers estimate that only about 30% of U.S. couples who divorce make an attempt to reconcile before the divorce... A survey of Utah adults found that only about half of couples who divorced first sought either secular or religious counseling."

"This is unfortunate because reserachers have estimated that about 80% of couples may see improvement in their relationship after visiting a marriage counselor, and over the short term, almost half say all of their major problems were resolved." 


"While many children are resilient, still the process of family dissolution is associated with about twice the risk for various social and emotional problems in children of divorce. ... Children who experience their parents' divorce are less likely to graduate from high school, go to college, or graduate from college once they start.  They are twice as likely to doubt their parents' religious beliefs and less likely to attend church services.  They are at greater risk for early sexual behavior and pregnancy.  And they are much more likely to experience a divorce when they marry."

(Hawkins, A.J., Fackrell, T.A., Should I Keep Trying to Work It Out? Sacred and Secular Perspectives on the Crossroads of Divorce.  Successful Marriages and Families. 2012. pp 79-87.)

Unadoptable is Unacceptable

Here is a great video that highlights the fact that every child in foster care is adoptable.  Some may hold the belief that some kids are too damaged or too difficult.  See what you think about this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aLP3pAfCHgo

Also, for those who are interested:


Fostering Teens: Rewards and Challenges

Utah Foster Care Foundation (UFCF) will focus its efforts to find families for teens in foster care during the month of February at three public forums along the Wasatch Front (dates and locations below). The forums will feature several foster families with experience caring for teens. And, the public will get to hear from the teens themselves.

“We are trying to dispel some of the myths about teens in foster care,” says Mike Hamblin, UFCF’s Director of Foster Family Recruitment. “Teenagers are placed in foster care for the same reasons as younger children: because of abuse or neglect in their biological homes.”

“They have similar needs as their younger siblings,” continues Hamblin. “They need structure, a safe environment, and a connection to a caring adult that they can carry through their lives.”



South Ogden
Saturday, Feb. 25th
10:00am-Noon
Holy Family Catholic Church
1100 East 5550 South

Utah Foster Care Foundation is a nonprofit that serves Utah’s children by finding, educating and nurturing families to meet the needs of children in foster care. For more information, go to www.utahfostercare.org. ##

In response...

1. Thanks for the question: "Why Armistice Counseling?" Quite honestly I was using an online thesaurus for other words for peace. Armistice basically means an end to hostilities. Laying down the weapons. With World War I there was an agreement that went into effect on the eleventh day of the eleventh month at the eleventh hour for an end to the hostilities. While there were still problems that continued, that was a huge stride towards peace.
   
   In our marriages and our lives we are too quick to turn to weapons, fighting, and hurting others, and not looking inward at changing ourselves; whatever that change might need to be. Having peace and happiness is the goal for anyone. Some just get a little lost and aren't using the most effective methods to achieve that goal. As they say in Brazil: "Exemplo menos eficaz."

A major principle in how to approach resolving marriage problems:

This is one of the quotes that I use all the time in working with couples:


“… you ought not to worry so much about solving your marital problems as in dealing with the emotions they stir.” – John Gottman, Ph.D. page 175 Why Marriages Succeed or Fail

Here is another one:

"You can not change anything unless you first accept it.  Condemnation doesn't liberate, it oppresses." -- Carl Jung


What are your thoughts?

Embarking on the Adventure

I know there will likely be few that read this post, so perhaps this will be more of a personal note; some thoughts on starting a business.  Am I going to do it?  That's the plan.  I have wanted to for a long time and now is that time to get it together.  As if I don't have a huge load already on my plate.  My parents tried to teach me not to eat to fast or take too much food: "Your eyes were bigger than your stomach... huh?"  Yep, but I can't rest.

My wife and son are spending some time together shopping.  Our oldest daughter is watching Fantasia.  Our youngest is taking her afternoon nap.  And I am constantly switching positions and posture trying to deal with my sprained back.  While basketball is fun, I guess I thought I was taller than I am.  I guess one could say that I am not in the ideal condition or frame of mind to start a business.  But hey, if not now, when?

I gained full licensure as an LCSW in September 2011.  That was a long road, full of sacrifices, but as a family we have made it through.  I have been learning a lot in my new position at DCFS as a post-adoption specialist.  I am learning that there are not enough supports for families that have adopted when the adoption perhaps has turned the family upside down.  Parents that mean well and have all the love in their hearts take on the challenge of adopting and they are not fully prepared for children with attachment disorders, trauma, mental illness, fetal alcohol or drug exposure, or other difficult situations.  Parents look inward and blame themselves and grow to resent their child.

So is it the child's fault then?  If it's not the parents, it must be just a difficult child!  Well, perhaps society also hasn't figured out how to best approach the problems that come when families haven't functioned as they should have.

No system can raise a child like a healthy family can.  I once had a co-worker put it well: "It's not that it takes a village to raise a child; It takes a village sometimes to help a family raise a child."